the kind of person I am
on Friday after a long, tiring day of work, I went to the fair with my friends. that day had been exhausting, I had to take the kids on a field trip and deal with the California heat + the bugs of our mountainous region. I realized two things that day. 1) I really, really don't fuck with nature like that, and 2) I actually do have a social battery, and when it runs out, it really runs out.
I got home sweaty, stinky, coated in a thin layer of dust, and had the phantom feeling of pincher bugs and flies crawling on me. I already knew: I was going to be mad all fucking day. so, I scrubbed my skin and hopped out of the shower to get dressed and sweat through a very unsuccessful makeup routine (Cali heat + hyperhidrosis = a match made in heaven <3) to angrily drive over to oomf's house and be on our way to the fair.
I'd never been to this fair before and was actually unaware that it was a fair at all, so my bad day + absolutely no parking + hot weather + having no idea what I was getting into left me irritated. but once we found a spot three streets away, and after the 12-minute walk there, I knew it would be a good night.
I never feel like I have a social battery, really, because I get my... idk, youthful vigor? from being around people, from hanging out with my friends, from talking to strangers. I feel like I'm dead and crawling out of my skin when I'm stuck in the house and haven't seen my friends in a while. I constantly have to refuse the urge to get on The Apps just so I have an excuse to go out and meet people. maybe this is because I'm bipolar. but who cares?
we met up with our other friends and started the night. walking through crowds of thousands of people, looking for something decent to eat, hitting up thrift shops, stopping to do line dances, buying overpriced drinks and food, sweating, and chatting for 3 hours was the refreshment I needed. which is funny writing out now, cuz I kinda did the same thing on the field trip all-day, but it was bad then because I had to also watch 25 kids while doing it.
towards the end of the night, my friends' feet hurt and I was the only one of all of us who wanted to get up and dance, so I ventured out into the fair alone. the dance area wasn't all that interesting to me anymore because I didn't like the music that much, so I walked back to the entrance and found a karaoke stage. a girl was on stage doing a terrible rendition of love story by taylor swift, which I and many others sang along terribly to. it hit me then: I wanna do that.
I know the introverts and shame harborers of the world would find the idea of going up on a stage in front of a crowd and doing karaoke a daunting and horrifying task, but I just felt this urge to get up there and do it. I told oomf and she encouraged me but I got worried. the last time I'd done karaoke, I lost my voice nearly immediately after talking all day long. I had to yell all day at the field trip and I'd been talking to my friends for the past two hours, what if I get up there and start croaking? then the insecurity set in. what if someone I know sees me? what if I look bad? what if nobody enjoys it? and my stomach started to hurt.
but I swallowed it down, put in my request to sing A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton, and stood by. the guy running the stage told me they close in ten minutes and there were two people ahead of me, so there was a chance I wouldn't be able to do it anyway. this soothed my worries but also made the part of me that wanted to do it really sad. so as 10:30 drew near the second of the two people ahead of me in the queue finished his rendition of hey ya! by outkast, and I was left a little sad but still having fun. but just my luck: the dude running the karaoke stage told me the fair would let him extend his closing time to 11, so I actually could go!
so I did. and it was fun as fuck!!
my friends stood at the barrier in front of the stage, cheering for me and waving their phone flashlights, I got the whole crowd involved, and even got a call and response! keep in mind, I can't sing and this was never going to be serious, so I'm sure my voice was wonky at times, but everyone was having so much fun and I was having so much fun too. and when I got off stage, people told me I did a great job and was super fun, and oomf's friend told me I have a great stage presence. it was just a silly funny thing to do, but it was genuinely so fun and so refreshing.
oomf was saying beforehand that doing open mic karaoke on a whim was such an early 20-something thing to do. and I've been thinking about that. is this the sort of adulthood I will lead? will I be impulsive and fun and outgoing for the forseeable future? am I going the be the sort of person that does open mic karaoke in front of a crowd of people? and does that matter? is it an important, lasting categorization? is it necessary to categorize at all?
and it isn't. again, I'm overthinking, as I do quite a bit on this blog. I don't feel the need to categorize myself or put myself in a box. but I do think it's fun to be able to say,
"I went to the fair and did karaoke in front of 60 people."
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