on shame and being seen
I've had this blog for just under a month now. it's pretty cool, and I like bearblog overall as a site. though there is this, like, humiliating invisible pressure that doesn't exist.
do you guys also get obsessed with the trending page? and being seen? and, even more embarrassingly, cared for? by strangers?
yes, we accept the love we think we deserve. I've made major strides in accepting the love that is given to me for what it is, but I just feel this greedy, innate want for adoration from others. it's humiliating, like really!!! I post on here to be fun and careless and document what I want when I want, but I also keep finding that I crave the feeling of being liked. I want to be liked by you, by other users on here, by strangers. it's legit sick and twisted.
when I was writing my what makes a good video essay? post, I was navigating youtube's website to find past video essays I've watched and creators I enjoy, and accidentally clicked on my account and saw my youtube channel layout. it was something I had put a lot of time and effort into a few years back when I was caught up in the youtube recommendation algorithm's slew of WFH computer programming/web design content. I'd say it was an interest spurred on by the pandemic, but it wasn't. there have been many times in my life when I wanted to do content creation and have a greater social media presence.
this desire always found a way to be quelled, by shame and self-hatred, by anxiety, by religious values, by fear of being seen. but the one thing I've always wanted was to be seen.
I want to say that I'm better, that I'm not someone led by a petulant desire for someone to look at me, that I'm not so egotistical to think I deserve and am entitled to peoples attention. and I do believe all of those things. I'm enough of a big girl to not need these things to live and be happy, but isn't it human? isn't it human to want to be seen, to need to be seen?
I know there's a drawback to this train of thought, dwelling on this want and drawing it out to its limits. nobody's saying that wanting to post myself online is some humiliating and embarrassing act of narcissism or indicative of a serious lack of self-awareness. it's just me. maybe it's just the self-deprecating voice in my head rearing its ugly head or maybe it's the religious guilt. who am I to think I need to be seen and adored, to have followers who want to see me and my thoughts? what makes me or what I have to say any more important than what anyone else has to offer? why would I deserve that? where's my humility?
but I'm human. I'm human!!!!!! can I live? can I live? can I fucking live? joseline hernandez.mp4
maybe it just comes from this deep want to be loved for who I am. I think I express myself quite truly on here, and the positive reception I get does, like, mean something to me. like, woah people agree with me and don't think I'm, like, crazy or awful. that rocks!! but it's also, like, you should be more secure in yourself to not need that from strangers.
but it's really not a need! it's a want! I don't know what's worse!
like, I want to be loved soooo bad! and I am! why is it just not enough? I feel like I'm just fucking losing it sometimes.
and, again, this is me being hard on myself of course. this isn't an obsession, there's moderation here and varying shades of grey, not just black and white. but damnnnnnnnnnn is it humiliating! why can't I be satisfied?
but I'm working on it. I'll be fine, I'm sure. gonna take some more work in practicing gratitude and being mindful, but I'll be fine. but please, somebody out there, let me know that I'm not crazy? please?
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