on friendships as a 20-something
I'm in college. I've been in college for one year now, after taking a gap year + I-don't-think-I'm-gonna-do-college year. I got incredibly lucky in my spring semester of last year, my first semester of college as a whole, to have very nice professors and cool classmates. I especially lucked out with my public speaking class, in which I made two new friends. we haven't had any more classes together since, but we still hang out at least once or twice a month.
it's funny because the first friend I made was because she heard me say my birthday and her birthday is the day after mine. we then exclaimed, chatted a bit more about what we have in common, and we figured out that her brother is dating one of my friends from high school.
the second friend came about because she started talking to the first friend and walking with her after class, which we always did. their relationship developed in the times I was absent from class because I was (cough, cough) sick, but we were able to click pretty well, too. she became my go-to concert buddy, we actually went together to my first concert ever, willow smith and yves tumor. I see her, like, all the time.
each semester I tend to make friends in at least one of my classes, and that was the case this semester, too. in my ceramics class, I managed to become pretty close friends with a girl who sat at the table next to the rest of my ceramics buddies. I went to an event her boyfriend was in charge of hosting so I could hang out with her and get to know her better, and we clicked, like, immediately. I see her alllll the time and managed to introduce her to aforementioned friends 1 and 2. now friend 2 and friend 3 and I hang out a lot, and we just went adventuring through LA this weekend.
friend 2 has told me a couple times that I'm really good at finding people that are just like me, or that I have a lot in common with. I agree, I think I have a real knack for finding people who are compatible with me. I'm grateful for that, too.
one of my new year resolutions was to become more community-oriented. I've read several times online that only children tend to not be community-oriented and think about themselves first before anyone else, and I think I have definitely had that issue in the past. it's been something others have brought up to me, typically when they're at their boiling point with me since I tend to not notice the simmering (i'm a Sagittarius). so I've been making an effort to connect with the community around me, to be involved in my city's social events, to volunteer for the setup of said events, to communicate with my kids and their parents more, etc. and it's helping a lot. it makes the world bigger, it makes you less selfish, and it makes things matter more in a world where nothing really matters, at all. you get out of your head more and can appreciate other people for being just as multifaceted and multidimensional as you are. I think these former gifted kids who amounted to nothing and do nothing but lament this failure don't see other people as being as enlightened or worthy as they are, which is why they're so focused on the past and what could have been. when you actually get in community with others and make connections with people your ego convinces you that you are "better than," you understand that the world truly does not revolve around you and learn that everyone, everywhere has a rich inner-life that harnesses something you do not possess, and the only way to gain those things is by being in community with them.
and being in community doesn't mean doing charity for folks. you're not mother theresa, as evil as that lady really was. you're not giving to the poor or helping the needy, you are working alongside people for the collective effort of equity and liberation and a life worth living. and there's community within community, sometimes you need to start with the community that is dearest to you, your friends.
I did not keep up with anyone from high school. I graduated in 2020, meaning the end of my senior year of high school was spent waking up, playing animal crossing, eating, playing animal crossing, and passing out. the updates you got on how anyone was doing were solely through social media. when I wiped my internet presence in 2021, I lost access to those updates and those people lost ease of access to me. nobody texted or called, and nobody hit me up. actually, that might be an exaggeration but I seriously can't remember anybody reaching out to me at all lol
and that's no hate to them, I wasn't making the effort either. I wasn't trying to fw anybody from my school days, I was past that now. I just wanted a new life, and a new life took a removal from the past. I can't blame them if they wanted the same.
so in the time I was not in school and purely working, I had no new friends and was perpetually stuck in the past, a past I didn't like and didn't want. school was my chance at a new life and a new life I truly have. I'm building community with the new friends I've made and also figuring out what I can and absolutely cannot tolerate.
being in college, you're mixed in with a lot of age groups. teenagers tend to be the friendships that have a clearly stamped "Best by:" date. I actually can't stand them and their immaturity, and this can be seen as self-righteous or hypocritical because "you were a teen once too, and you were even worse!" but I'm also entitled to having preferences and choosing who I want in and out of my life. if I can't tolerate something, that doesn't make me bad, I'm not some fucking monk, I'm human. even god can't tolerate some things. I just see where they are and what they're going through and know that I don't want to be there to see them go through it and would be glad to see them after they've come out of it.
I'm glad to find friends the same age as me or older, and these are the ones I can get along best with. there's a level of maturity you should have or be expected to have at this age, and I don't care to be around or surround myself with people who are just excessively immature. so I'm weeding out a lot. and there's joy in that too. I'm trusting myself, my intuition, my past experiences, and my gut feelings, and seeing all of it work out for me in real time. I know what I want and need, even if it's not something I'm putting into words. so I trust myself, and I believe in myself when I feel that this person is not the person I want in my life right now, or even at all.
so, my smaller community has some temporary members and some with long-term contracts. and there's nothing wrong with that. people grow up and move away all the time. it's just how life goes. nothing is permanent other than you, you are permanent in your own life. so I'm glad to have these people for a moment, and I'm glad to see them gone when that moment ends.
I am especially grateful that I am just a 20-something with so much time left to live and grow my community. with you, with now-strangers, with friends new and old, with sights unseen, with love, and with pain. thank you for being here, now.
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