on being a fucking crybaby

May 24, 2024

watching the bear (continuation of my other post) and I just hit the end of the season one finale. I tried watching this show like years ago now and I couldn't get past the second episode because not only was it boring as fuck, but it was also stressing me the fuck out. I'm trying it again today after reminiscing on my first watch of succession in which I played stardew valley as it played in the background because its first season is also boring as fuck and stressed me the fuck out. I thought to give it a try while playing stardew valley (my switch was dead) and see if I could tolerate it anymore. turns out I can!

see, now, I was fucking hating this show for the past, like, 6 episodes. everyone's pissing me the fuck off, sydney is the only reasonable person here, richie is awful, carmy pissing me the hell off, tina, I'm trying to be on your side, girl, but you make this mad fucking hard! and then carmy apologizes. and Marcus is back, and the kitchen is working better again, and sydney comes back. and they're playing some fucking acoustic-feel-good music in the background, and I'm fucking crying. and omg, the whole family's here and we're having family fucking dinner and we're all smiling and everyone's eating and its fucking kumbaya. and I'm sat here just bawling my eyes out.

do you guys know what it's like to be constantly in awe of and touched by the human spirit? constantly I cry. I'm crying all the time, everywhere. the one place I manage to not cry at is my job, because the last thing I need is a bunch of 6-8 year olds all over me asking why I'm crying and trying to figure out why miss Kristin is sad. but those damn kids manage to make me cry too.

there is everything in this world trying to convince you that to trust in your community and in your neighbors is a mistake, that you can't trust anyone around you, that you need constant surveillance on everyone near to make sure don't get got. it takes effort, and faith, to dig past that pile of horse shit and still believe in love, in kindness. it takes heart to love people, to not give up on everyone around you. it takes true perseverance, perseverance and love to love people for what they are, to see their raw, human spirit within them and let that push past any other bullshit that might be.

I was a depressed and pessimistic kid for what is now nearly half of my life. I was out in field service¹ once with an older sister and we went through a lot of pretty bad doors before meeting a very kindhearted man. and as we walked off the porch, she said something along the lines of, "How can you not love people when there are ones like that around?" that has stuck with me ever since. how can I not love people when there are strangers who have stuck out their necks for me, cashiers who heavily discounted my meals after a brief conversation, girls who compliment my outfit or my skin, people who smile at me for the sake of smiling.

so yes, I will cry at the sweet part of a movie where everyone can come together and hug and kiss and carry on, I will cry at a scene set to some contemporary rock music where we all get to smile at how everything worked out for everybody, I will cry at the cliche moment where the lovebirds finally decide to go together after all the heartache and will they won't they, I will cry watching a kid learn how to ride a bike, I will cry seeing someone help an old person to cross the street, I will cry at all of it because I am a bonafide crybaby with a penchant for the clichés of life. these are the displays of the human spirit, of love, of kindness, of effort, of fervor, of passion, of care, of life itself. and I thank god I can bear witness to any of it, at all.

Reply via email

subscribe to the newsletter so you never have to miss a post ᯓ★

#musings