now you see me, now you don't
I love a good disappearing act. it's probably my deep-seated abandonment issues and avoidant tendencies but I love to just... be gone. like you're not gonna see me again! I'm gone!
now, is it a nice thing? well of course not. it can be very unfair to the people around you who care about you to just up and disappear on them. but idk, there's something so alluring about it. one day I'm there and the next I've vanished. and now you'll never see me again. or maybe I'll pop up in two years with some new stories to tell. but I'm gone for now, and I guess you'll never know where I went for the time being.
disappearing gives you time for some serious self-development, which is the awesome thing about it. like, gone is the girl I was and here is this new version of me. I'm like every fourth gen iPhone. obviously, the same base is here but there have been somewhat-substantial changes that have occurred. maybe I speak differently now. maybe I look different. maybe I've changed my belief system. maybe I went through some seriously messed-up stuff. who knows.
I've disappeared many a time in my life. it's an exhilarating feeling that it gives you. it's this feeling of being free, but you're free in like the freezing cold of a winter night. so it's terrifying. but it's so new. it's addicting. it's manic. it's literally my bipolar disorder.
sorry to everyone who is affected by these little disappearances and swings I do but yeah. I should really see my therapist soon.