Adolescence: how can you raise a good child?
we live in a system that does not encourage the development of a good and healthy child or children as a whole
when a man or a boy is bad in way of being misogynistic, the first instinct is to look at his mother. how did she raise him? how did she fail him? did she baby him? did she have a problematic personality that made him hate all women? was she permissive to his bad behavior?
the focus does not turn to dad until mom has been properly scrutinized. momâs fine so⌠did dad beat her? was dad a drunk? was dad a misogynist? was dad abusive, cruel? did he have machismo? what did mom do to address this? did she address this? it falls back on her but when both parents are fine, whatâs next? who can we blame now?
it takes a village to raise a child. a childâs village may look like their immediate family, grandparents, daycare staff, teachers, church members, and family friends. and you can have a village that is feminist, that is inclusive and diverse and emphasizes empathy and respect for others and you can still end up with a child like Jamie. because your child, despite living in the village youâve cultivated, has access to a world that goes against everything youâre trying to sow into their heart. and that world seems a lot more fun and interesting to them.
the group of 1st grade (now 3rd grade) boys iâve been taking care of at my job for the past two years are coming into this. when we had summer camp last year I snapped after they were goading each other to âact like a manâ and saying things like âa man doesnât cry.â itâs difficult to address toxic masculinity to 4 7 year olds when youâre simultaneously watching 16 other kids so after telling them several times to be quiet and work on their projects, I told them they wouldnât be going on the field trip to Knottâs Berry Farm taking place in three days. they cried, and it was upsetting because they are really, really good kids normally. but over the past few weeks theyâve just⌠changed. their behavior improved though, so they got to go anyway.
but this school year I had another issue with them. now in third grade, their thing became racing each other by announcing, âlast one to sit at the table is gay!â I thought I misheard them the first time it happened, but the second time was too much. I grilled them for 15 minutes about what they meant by that, if they had a problem with gay people, if theyâre fine with bullying people for being who they are, if they find it funny to insult people based on their identities, how they would like it if they were being made fun of, how they would like it if their friends made jokes about their identity. I did my best to not just stand there and shout at them and allow them to actually have a discussion about it but when you hear these kids, that youâve known since they were 5 and cried over tiny things and were always so sweet and excited to play with anyone, suddenly falling into these homophobic, toxic masculinity patterns itâs like an alarm went off in my head. youâre watching it start. and youâre doing all you can to stop it from continuing.
i feel for the parents in Adolescence so much because thereâs only so much you can do. and when a child does something like that, the first thing people think is, âwow, I wonder what the parents were doing.â and naturally you would. thatâs whoâs responsible for him, thatâs who you go to for any situation involving a child. the parents made and produced this, they must have done something wrong.
and did they? the last episode says to me that they didnât, not directly at least. everyone is being failed in society because theyâre not getting the time or rest needed to properly spend time with their loved ones, especially their children. parents deal with so much and it takes so much to support a family. youâll naturally lose time to be present with your children when youâve got work and bills and household responsibilities to keep up with, and kids slip through the cracks in all that time when nobody is with them. you need to be able to depend on your village to pick up where you left off, but theyâve got their own lives too.
so who is raising the children?
the screen. the ipad you gave them because youâre just too busy to keep up with playing with them or too overstimulated to engage with them. the phone you hand off to them because they just keep asking. the computer they begged for to play games with their friends. they are picking up the pieces.
the baby you love and adore is being raised by youtube shorts, instagram reels, and tiktok. and theyâre always present and ready to take them off your hands.
and what can you do about that, really? even if you donât give them screens, their friends at school have their own parents that let them do god-knows-what at home and they bring those attitudes and beliefs to school with them. even if you take away the screens, someone else has one theyâre willing to share.
so what can you do? what can you do about it?
i donât know. have faith that the morals youâve instilled in your child keep them from putting themselves in dangerous or harmful situations. hope that the words youâve been repeating their whole life have actually made any sort of difference in their behavior. believe that they are their own person and can think for themselves. all you can do is have faith.
Jamieâs parents had faith. they couldâve done more, but what happened happened, and it wasnât their fault. it was his choice.
all you can do is hope that your kid will make good choices. all you can do is hope. they do the rest.