a film, not a movie; I Saw the TV Glow
I just watched I Saw the TV Glow in theaters with two friends. it's an allegory for the experience of being a closeted trans person. it's a beautiful film with a well-informed message and story and I think it deserves its glowing reviews as a film, but not a movie.
for me, the difference between a film and a movie is this: a movie is fun and entertaining, and a film is fun, entertaining, or neither.
I'm not a film person, at all. you can see it in my letterboxd profile, any film I like gets 5 stars, and anything I don't like gets a harsher score. and I like most things! but I like films that are fun and entertaining, I like movies, especially on a night out with my girls.
I don't want to see a sad, arthouse film in an AMC theater, even if it is on a discount Tuesday. yes, we paid $7 for our tickets, but this is the kind of film you screen share with your film-buff friend on discord in the comfort of your own home, eating the leftover spaghetti your mom made you and making crude comments in the chat. this is NOT a fun movie! and not a movie I'd pay for either.
all my support to the filmmakers and the minds behind this film, though. it was beautiful, really. if you're not queer, then you might not understand fully how strong an attachment queer people can have with media, especially children's/youth media. when you're deprived of representation, you look for it everywhere, making connections that very well may not exist in the slightest. for me growing up, that was Adventure Time. thankfully the gay subtext did come true with bubbline going canon, but I always saw myself in Marceline.
I've been aware of my queer status for all of my life, and I've never been under the impression that I'm straight. and although I was a depressed and pessimistic child, what drew me to Marceline was more than her biting remarks and disruptive demeanor. it was the strained relationship she had with her father, who wanted her to rule the nightosphere and pick up where he left off. it was her abandonment issues, her resolve to do things her way and not bend to anyone else's whims. she was just like me, and to top it off, she was gay too.
so I understand how much an innocuous "children's show" can affect a young person's life, to the point of schizotypical engagement with said media. I love that the two main characters saw each other in the girls in the pink opaque and were able to connect to each other through it. it's somewhat of a miracle that this is something that happened in person and not online, which is common for queer children trying to find community. in the sixth grade, I was somewhat lucky to have this be the case with my interest in My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. my two other closeted queer friends loved it, and we talked about it every day until I grew out of those friendships.
being a queer child is hard in that way, too. you can't so easily give up on your friendships with people who know who you are. for some people, it's a matter of being outed, but for me, it was the pain of changing friend groups and being exposed to bigotry from people you wanted to have a relationship with, being shown that you just can't fit in anywhere else. and to every queer child out there: you can fit in. you don't have to stick around relationships that turn toxic because of fear that nobody else would accept you for what you are.
it's sad that Owen was so scared to be who they are that they left Maddy to suffer through their pain alone, but that's just the way it is sometimes. when you've gone through all the stages of acceptance needed to be your true self and you've got people who are so deep in the closet and caught in the denial stage, you just gotta let them be until they can be themselves. until then, you bear the pain that comes with being an out queer person, and they bear the pain of being in the closet. two very different pains to go from strength to strength with, and can cause division in a friendship.
I think it's a beautiful metaphor that Owen slowly suffocated for the remainder of the film after leaving Maddy and choosing to stay in the closet, instead of embracing the social death of coming out and being reborn through it. it's heartbreaking that even in their deepest pain, they felt the need to apologize to everybody around them because they were struggling. and yes, it does affect everyone around you to see you endure the pain of hiding, it's not an invisible thing to be queer, as much as you may try.
so, yeah. good film. but not a movie. not fun. gave it a 3 but honestly will bump it up to 4 stars. bye
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